Saturday, October 28, 2006


I just had breakfast with my friend who sends me those daily inspirational messages I talked about the other day.

As usual our conversation ranged all over the place from politics to the ultra-personal. I consider him to be my guru in all things related to recovery. There isn't anything about me he doesn't know. I suspect he knows things about me even I haven't figured out yet. I love him like a brother. I trust him with my life. Literally. When I had quadruple bypass surgery, two and a half years ago, I named him as my health proxy. If anything had gone wrong... he knew what had to be done. And he was willing to do it.

God works in mysterious ways. I'm sure neither of us, 10 years ago, ever expected that we'd be thrown together by HP and circumstance. (HP- "Higher Power", i.e. God, as I understand Him.) But, there we were, sitting in a booth in one of those grandest of all New Jersey institutions, the 24-hour diner, talking about amends and steps and ex-lovers and ... stuff.

I always think that we never have enough quality-time together. But I'm sure that we probably get just the right amount. God sees to that, too.

Now I'm about to hop on the NJTurnpike to drive to Dover (Delaware) to have lunch with my dad and step-mom. They're leaving for Florida for the winter sometime next week and this will be the last time I see them before they leave. My friend thinks I'm being a good son. I think I don't want a guilty conscience if, God forbid, anything happens to them between now and the next time I see them.

It's not going to be an easy visit for me. I haven't felt quite right about my relationship with them ever since I spent a few days with them in Florida last February. That visit didn't end well, with my father making it abundantly clear that although I was always welcome in his house, it would be a different story if I were ever to arrive with a boyfriend in tow.

Ever since then I have felt uncomfortable being around them, and I'm pretty sure I can't spend another night sleeping under their roof.

Hence, the breakfast with my friend.

I can show respect for my father and stepmom, and acknowledge my love for them yet still maintain my dignity as a fully-integrated gay person.

Now I just have to figure out how to do that.

Thank God it's a long drive.

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