There's this guy, see?
One of the things I really, really need to look at is how come I always seem to attract very nice straight guys who are really handsome and who want to be friends with me.
Most people would shrug and say, "So what's the problem? Be friends. End of discussion."
Except that I easily start developing feelings towards somebody I find attractive AND who shows me the least bit of positive attention.
Look, I don't go around wearing a big sign around my neck that says, "I'M THE ONLY GAY IN THE VILLAGE." I don't deny I'm gay to anyone who asks. But I live in a very straight world in which the presumption is, always, that I'm just like everybody else. But I hate having to constantly "break the news" to new people in my life. It makes me feel like I've been coming out for 40 years. When will it ever end? It was nerve-wracking enough the first time. And no, it doesn't get any easier.
My new friend is looking for a friend. He's trying really hard and I am not making it easy for him. I could be that friend. I SHOULD be that friend, but I'm allowing my craziness regarding boys to get in the way. It's really not fair to him. He has extended several invitations to me to spend time with him (and his daughter... he's recently divorced and new to the area), and I've always given him a bunch of ham-handed, lame excuses why I couldn't.
I used to think that life was complicated.
It turns out that life isn't complicated, but I sure like to make it that way and, given half a chance, I always will!