This coming weekend is the 10th anniversary of my planned death. No, I'm not kidding. I was horrifically drunk at the time. I'd been horrifically drunk for over 2 years (well, longer actually, but 2 seems like a good number.) I'd left my ex in November of '94 and moved into my "Apartment of Gloom" on East 78th Street.
I spent the next couple of years a) not working and b) pissing away every dime I'd banked during my lucrative Wall Street years ('83-'94).
By the summer of '97 I was drunk pretty much 24/7/365. The money was rapidly running out and I knew that it was only a matter of weeks before I had to shuck off this mortal coil.
(I'm sorry if this makes anyone out there feel squeamish, but it's the way it was.)
Now, in my insanity I hadn't actually "done" anything to prepare to do myself in. I hadn't bought any weapons or drugs to do the deed with. I vaguely recall having some notion of using "household goods" of some sort or another to do it. I remember a box cutter which I thought would do the trick (don't try this at home, kids), only it turns out you need a tub full of hot water in order to "bleed out". A bucket of warm vomit won't work.
Anyway, I didn't even get that far. The Labor Day weekend arrived and I was drifting in and out of consciousness when suddenly I became dimly aware that "something" was happening. That "something" was the announcement that Princess Diana had been in a horrific auto accident in Paris.
Well, that perked me right up. I remember blearily trying to focus on the screen (I had a 48" Sony XBR rear-projection tv in those days) and thinking (well, sort of), "OH, THISH IS SUCH A TRAGEDITY", so, naturally, I forgot all about dying (me, at any rate) and started thinking about what a wasted young life had been extinguished in Paris that weekend.
And I watched, every time I wasn't passed out, for the next week.
What had been missing from my life for months and even years at that point had been... TA-DAH! drama. Now I had plenty of drama. It wasn't my drama, but I made it my drama.
Anyway, I was pretty insane in those days (as you can tell), but I'm not nearly so now.
10 years ago Princess Di's life, which wasn't supposed to have ended, did. 10 years ago my life, which was supposed to have ended, didn't.
I'm glad God doesn't ask my opinions about anything. I'd be giving her all kinds of crazy-assed advice if She did.
8 comments:
I'm sorry Princess Diana died; I'm very glad you didn't.
Thanks.
And luckily for me. The only thing any of us seems to be "in charge of" is how we live our lives "just for today."
Other than that, every day's a crapshoot. For each of us.
p.s. glad you're feeling better.
yep. you are only in charge of you, though I am so proud of you for getting to a point where not only are you not desperately overwhelmed by your own issues but are able to reach out and help others. (I've had a very trying day but it will soon end and tomorrow will be better)
I second what Bev said. (And HI, Bev!!)
Now when are we going to have lunch?
ROB, DARLING!!!!
Well, not today, obviously.
And tomorrow we're closing early for the holiday weekend.
Next week sometime?? (I just left you a voicemail at work)
Alan, sweetheart. I read about your lousy time with the MD's and I hope you're feeling better today.
It means a LOT to me that I have you back in my life, even from afar. Believe me, I have wondered for years how I could make it up to you for being such a jerk when I was tangled up with whatshisname way back when.
oh speaking of what's his name, I got an email from him today on an account I almost never use thanking me for my "kind words" about his books in my "june blog"....I did not reply
Well I hope he never finds me.
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