Friday, December 29, 2006

Str8 Boyz

I had a "date" yesterday with a perfectly good straight boy (divorced) and his 11 year old daughter. We went to see "Happy Feet" after which Mr. Y invited me to his place for a home-cooked meal with he and his child.

I have the kind of face that people like to open up to. Mr. Y likes to confide in me (and, indeed, I like it when he does). The 11 year-old and I totally relate. We read the same novels (the "Eragon" series). Mr. Y can't get over how I relate to kids.

Mr. Y is not the first str8 boy in my life, nor will he probably be the last. I have had a succession of str8 boyz in my life, stretching back to my navy days, who love to emote with me and wind up putting me in the very, very uncomfortable position of having to decide when it would be an "opportune time" to casually mention that I'm gay.

I hate this. It makes me very uncomfortable. Not always, but only if I find them attractive. Because then I wonder, "Have I waited too long? Does that look suspicious on my part? Does it imply ulterior motives?

I never have this problem with people I'm not attracted to. I never have a problem blurting out that I'm gay if I don't feel there might be consequences to be suffered for it. It's only when I fear losing that intimacy that I fear coming out.

It's all about my feelings of rejection from childhood, of course. I know that now. It's silly. These people aren't THOSE people!!! Are they? Yet all those feelings of angst and nausea and, well, FEAR, come roaring back the minute I feel as though I HAVE to tell them this one thing about myself. I don't have those same feelings over blurting out that I'm Catholic, or Irish/Welsh/English/Scots. I don't agonize over revealing that I prefer Streisand to Madonna.

You'd think that in this day and age, revealing that one is gay wouldn't be such a big deal. Yet I feel it IS a big deal because, well, because they've opened themselves up to me, made themselves vulnerable and, by revealing that I'm gay to them, they might feel somehow threatened by that.

Silly, isn't it?

I'm off to Manhattan today for a day of hairstyling and B'way Shows (matinee: "The Drowsy Chaperone", evening: "The Little Dog Laughed"). I'm glad to have this period of "enforced" separation from Mr. Y. It'll give me a chance to think about this and to discuss it with my old college roommate. We're having dinner this afternoon. He's always good for bad advice, having successfully avoided having a loving relationship for at least 30 years.

But I'll be back tomorrow. And I'll just suck it up, grab Mr. Y by the nape of the neck, drag him off into some corner, and tell him that I'm gay.

Or, maybe I'll wait until Sunday.


Alan said...

or don't tell him. seems to me you will get some variation on one of two responses: "so what?" or "oh yuck!". the former is certainly more likely but the latter is also possible.

yeah, i know, i useta be Way up on my high horse blah blah blahing that everyone should come out (completely and yesterday damnit) but I seem to have mellowed with age.

but i do kind of wish i could stop you from worrying about it. (shrugs profoundly)

JoyZeeBoy said...

I don't know why I make such a big deal out of it. It never bothered me to have my name plastered all over the newspaper as being "an avowed homosexual" in college, umpteen eons ago.

I'm just a big wuss.

Ms C Qrisp said...

Dear Joyzeeboy,
Just a quick note wishing you a pleasant trip and a safe return.

Regarding your post, personally when it comes to handling heterosexual men, it is not the nape of their neck that I reach for.

One tried to say nothing about how to deal with Mr Y, as I do not want to complicate your present situation. However, while I have never had difficulties disregarding my own opinion, I have trouble keeping it to myself.

One is tempted to say 'Y not tell him? Is not life too short and sweet to invest precious time on friendships that are not truly open and honest? Do you need another superficial friendship in your life? If you do not trust him enough to be truthful, there is little chance of anything growing, nothing but your present discomfort continuing to grow.'

There, that is my ill-considered and superficial assessment of the situation; please disregard it!

Incidentally, do not think one has forgotten your little invitation to play: as you might have noticed, I am still finishing off my festive celebrations, following which one requires a little pampering before undertaking any other serious and long-term projects.

Therefore, expect my six degrees of weirdness by the middle of January: one hopes that you will not be disappointed.

By the way, gracious thanks for including me on your list of blogues: however, I am perturbed to note that you've misspelled my surname. I confess that one is quite a stick-in-the-mud about such things: list my bloguette as you will, but spell my surname correctly! It is Quisp with a capital Q, as in Quaint, Queenly and Queer.

One trusts this will be rectified upon your safe return... and before my next visit?

Kind regards

Ms C Quisp

Mary said...

I would just let it go, and sometime it will come up, and you can shrug and say, of course I'm gay. I thought you knew. It's no big deal. If you make a big deal out of it, chances are better he will too.

JoyZeeBoy said...

And thank you, Mary, for equally sound advice.

I tend to blow these things way out of proportion. It's merely another fact of my life, like being left-handed (which I also am) or having size 14 feet (also true). I don't go around agonizing over "announcing" these things, why should I waste a second of concern over "picking a moment" to make the momentous announcement that I'm gay?

I should, as you advise, just let it go when, if and until it actually has a real "reason" to come up.

Thanks again and Happy New Years to you and yours!

JoyZeeBoy said...

My Dear Ms. Qrisp,

Je suis désolé. I shall fix the code immediately.

And thank you for your advice. You are correct, both in offering the advice AND in its content. Life is simply too short to waste on (yet more) superficial relationships. I've had enough of those. You are absolutely brilliant!

I continue to view your ... ahem... "modest bloguette" with wonder and awe. Where do you find the time to devote to it?

Finally, I look forward to your future posts, whether or not you actually decide to take up the challenge of posting Six Weird Things about yourself.

That "game" by the way has a name in blogging. It's called a "meme". No one seems to know why. However, I suspect it's origins are French (meme chose = the same thing).

Thank you again for dropping by and proffering sound advice.