I'm feeling very fat today. I've been feeling fat for years, and especially fat since I quit smoking, just prior to my heart surgery, two years ago. But I really feel fat today.
But it isn't really about the fat. It's really all about my old friend, addiction. You see, a little over eight years ago I hit my bottom with booze. I've worked real hard on myself for these past eight years, and I no longer compulsively obsess (or is it obsessively compulse?) about booze, so my addiction has hiked up it's skirts and moved on to greener pastures, i.e., food. Addiction does that. It's always on the lookout for new and creative ways to manifest itself. Food, sex, spending, booze, drugs, old boy/girl friends, cleaning, and so on. It's not about the "thing", it's about the obsession! Addiction never goes away. It merely morphs.
So, with me it's food. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I go to the gym tonight. I'll plow through the workout like a man on a mission (I am! I want food!!!) I'll sweat on the stationary bike, practically collapse on the treadmill and strain on various weight machines. I'll work up a nice little sweat, hop in the car, race home and devour a half a pound of Havarti on Bremer crackers.
I kid myself that I'm entitled to reward myself for the workout by indulging in very unhealthy eating habits.
I could go to OA, if I weren't spending so much time already going to other 12-step meetings and the gym.
When I finally quit bs'ing myself about my drinking, back in '98, I thought, "Well, that's that!"
That, most definitely, was not that. Ain't self-awareness grand?
How are you going to bullshit yourself today?
Thus endeth the lesson for today.