BAM! The world has started falling apart.
1. Last August - diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Why didn't I cry with self-pity when told?
Started protracted on-line search for best surgical solution
Settled on Dr. David Samadi - Robotic Institute - Mt. Sinai Hospital New York
2. Robotic Prostectomy - October 14, 2009.
Two follow-up visits to date. Both blood tests indicate PSA < 0.01%
Why didn't I cry with joy at the result?
3. January 25, 2010 - My dearest English friend dies peacefully in his sleep. Age 80.
Why didn't I cry at the loss?
4. March 2, 2010 - Surgery to repair hernia. Out-patient (yaaayyyy!). Home that evening.
5. March 3, 2010 - Phone call from a friend in California. Another friend died of pulmonary
embolism as a direct result of having had Lap-Band surgery the previous week.
WHY DIDN'T I CRY!??
6. Excruciating pain from surgery. Gingerly take a prescribed painkiller. Immediately blocks me up. More pain until Thursday when I'm finally able to "move."
WHY DIDN'T I CRY?
7. A phone call on Friday, March 5th from yet another friend in NYC. After nearly 30 years of devoted service at a broadcast network, he was informed that, as of May 5, his services will no longer be required. He's contemplating moving back home to the midwest. He and I were college roommates, fer Chrissakes! I've never contemplated life without him in it, and him in New York.
AND WHY AM I NOT CRYING??!!!
8. Monday, March 8th - my 12th sobriety anniversary. I should be all cured by now.
AND STILL, I CAN'T CRY.
9. I called my old co-dependency therapist and made an appointment to see her this coming Sunday morning (there's something very calming about having a therapy session on Sunday morning).
I want to know why, after all these years of "recovery", I'm not able to cry over anything.
My 12-Step sponsor says that I'm a sexual anorexic. I say that I'm an emotional anorexic, still incapable of forming any meaningful attachments, even with myself.
We'll see what the therapist has to say.
Watch. I'll be in there for five minutes when I start blubbering like a baby.
I hope.
1 comment:
I think the question isn't "why don't I cry," but "does this event (whatever it is) move me in an appropriate way." Crying is overrated. I cry at supermarket openings and Hallmark card commercials. Don't even show me "Old Yeller" or "Life of Brian"!
But I hope that the therapy is helpful.
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